Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
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My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
I hope Alan is OK
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.