The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
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just leave it at the foot of the bed
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.