[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
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[loses house key, starts a new life]
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
You deplete me
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Festive toon…
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Huge, if true.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.