My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
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Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I might carry a baby with one hand.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet