Mice are just frozen Mwater.
You Might Also Like
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.