If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
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One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away