My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
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One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened