You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
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*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes