Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
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Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I have a new favorite meme page
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this