Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
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My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
those birds must be on payroll
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Rooting for the overdog
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low