At what age should you put the tonsils back in
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[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?