My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
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People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.