My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
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Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
no cat here
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.