I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
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According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…