Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
You Might Also Like
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
My flabber has been gasted.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down