1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
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CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
meanwhile over on facebook
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct