Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
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The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
You got this…
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
ok like just. call me at this point
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.