My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
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“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Ape together strong
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Tell the colonel to bring it
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma