*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
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Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
“That’s what” – She
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
You sure about that?