Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
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So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable