6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
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Don’t make me out nice you.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods