*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
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wtf is a larm clock?
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
🍛
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
is nasa ok
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.