I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
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*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.