That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
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I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Check your privilege
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I know karate and tons of other words.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.