I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
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Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”