The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
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[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
happy friday
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
That’s amazing.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”