I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
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I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.