therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
You Might Also Like
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!