You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
You Might Also Like
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.