[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
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Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.