Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
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Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”