“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
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Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.