Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
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As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.