Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
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Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
If I ignore life will it go away?
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.