Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
You Might Also Like
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
🙂🐾
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.