{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
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Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
this has done me in for some reason
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”