[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
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[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭