don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
You Might Also Like
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”