Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
You Might Also Like
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.