If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
You Might Also Like
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
This could’ve been an email.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
🤣🤣💀
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.