My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
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[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.