Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
You Might Also Like
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
In case you needed to hear it:
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.