I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
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There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
lot going on here, legally speaking.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Always a metermaid never a meter
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”