NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
You Might Also Like
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
how high up are we talkin’?
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.