Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
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Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.