Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
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Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
*mops up wine with cat*
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.