Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
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Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby