I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
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To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”