Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
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Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
For those that worship cheese..
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
This is hilarious….
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.