A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
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Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Forever 21… pounds overweight
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”